If I had a dollar every time someone would ask me "how do you and Richard stay so in love?" I would have like $10 bucks a week. JK, but seriously I constantly field questions about what I do to keep my marriage spicy and not boring or how we go day to day without killing each other.
Richard and I have been through a lot in our 3 years of marriage (TV, relocation, illnesses, personal development, career transitions, miscarriage and blended family issues). Through all of the BS, we are still very much in love. If I had to share my secret sauce on keeping my marriage spicy, I would say.....WAIT FOR ITTTTTT...
There is no secret sis. I do want to kill him like 60% of the time and we don't see eye to eye on everything. Richard snores, doesn't like the air conditioner on too much and takes forever to fold laundry… regardless, him and I just work together and I love him to death.
So instead of telling you a bunch of things you SHOULD do to keep the love alive in your marriage, how about I share 5 things you SHOULDNT do if you are trying to rekindle your relationship?
1. DO NOT IGNORE- This is a big one and probably the number one thing I hear about from my readers. In marriage, it can become easy to start operating like roommates instead of a husband and wife. With the kids, work, bills, house work and just daily life, shit can get really overwhelming and sometimes we tend to just sink into ourselves when we really should be connecting with our partner. Do not ignore your partner. If things are going wrong or you are feeling stressed, make a conscious effort to talk about how you are feeling. If you don't feel like talking, simply spending uninterrupted time with your husband (without phones) can make all of the difference.
Stop thinking that silence will solve whatever problem you are going through. More than likely, silence will just drive you further apart.
2. DO NOT ALWAYS PUT THE KIDS FIRST- I know, I know this is a controversial topic, but hear me out. Before you choose to constantly put your kids before your partner, consider the fact that your children will one day grow up and pick partners of their own. YOUR KIDS WILL ONE DAY DEVELOP THEIR OWN LIVES WITHOUT YOU. If you neglect your husband with the excuse of "the kids," your marriage will begin to transform into one similar to a co-worker rather than a partner. Take 2 hours away from the kids to spend alone time together. Let your kids know (if they are old enough to understand) that date night is on X day. Eat a meal with your husband while the kids eat separately. Some times, a bit of separation from your children is exactly the best thing you can do for your marriage.
3. GET YOUR CHILDREN TO SLEEP OUTSIDE OF YOUR BED- Similar to #2, get your children to sleep in their own beds. Seriously, nothing kills the mood more than having a leggo stuck to your ass when you are trying to spend quality time with your husband. In my house, I do not really allow the kids to come into my bedroom, and when they do (they always find a way), I generally keep their visits to during the day ONLY. Nova has not slept in our bed since she was 3 weeks old and I like it that way. Because my daughter sleeps in her own bed, she is WELL TRAINED in her sleep schedule which makes our lives 100% easier. Once the kids go to bed (promptly by 9:15), Richard and I retreat to our room. Its like clockwork and something I look forward to every night.
4. NEGLECTING SEX- I have to come out and say this, yall have to start having sex with your husband, period. Not in the mood? figure out why. Personally, physical intimacy is a big part of my relationship and I attribute my connection with my husband to our willingness to be physical with each other. More than just sex, we actually like kissing and holding hands. We rarely are separated and when we are- its miserable for both of us. Bottom line, we make a conscious effort to connect daily. While that decision is not always easy, its necessary.
5. STOP LETTING TEMPORARY SITUATIONS CREATE LONG-LASTING CIRCUMSTANCES- I don't know who needs to hear this, but we have to stop letting temporary life situations create long-lasting circumstances in our marriages. To put it simply, stop letting the temporary stressors or issues in your marriage make you do things you will regret later. Out of all of the major arguments I have had with my husband maybe only 5 were rooted in real things. Everything else was just reactions to temporary situations that just blew up in the heat of an argument. I have said horrible things in the heat of an argument and yet, when the issue resolved itself (it usually always does) and the dust settled, I was still married. Before blowing up and doing something you could regret later, take time to really evaluate if the thing you are mad at is temporary or long-lasting.
LAST- STOP NEGLECTING FUN! Figure out what things you and your partner like to do TOGETHER and make it a priority to do them. Richard and I recently noticed that we enjoy going to the movies together, so we try to squeeze that in when something good comes out. Marriages should be fun. Laughter is so necessary in a healthy relationship. If you cant enjoy the company of your husband, how will you be able to navigate stressful situations with resilience? FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HECK YOU LIKE TO DO TOGETHER and do it! Do not be afraid to laugh at dumb stuff together. Life is already stressful and serious, take time to have fun with your man.
I used to be the queen of leaving relationships in the past. I guess I figured, "let me leave you before you leave me" sort of thing. Truthfully, I have never wanted to seriously leave my husband. Yes, sometimes he irks my soul, but honestly, I know that nobody could ever love me the way he does. LOVE and connection requires you to make a conscious effort to unselfishly love a unperfect person every single day. While it can be hard, it is also so rewarding. Stop letting social media and TV tell you what marriage should look like. Take time to think back on what you loved about your husband in the first place. Chances are, the very things you loved about him are still there.
Bottom line, choose each other first, spend quality (focused) time with each other and have sex :) all of the other lovey stuff will follow.
Until Next Week <3